I like leading but I don't like being a leader.

It works better for me if leadership is not a title. But in reality it is a title. It has its good and bad. Good that it gains instant respect. Bad in that it attracts holy expectations.

On hindsight, the good of instant respect isn't good as it gains it from people who really don't know you. That's disillusionment on the part of people willing to put you on a pedestal one day but then pushes you into a pit another.

The bad of attracting religious expectations isn't really bad either as it instantly tells you the area to grow as well as who you are to please and who you just can't. It helps to see those willing to grow with you and those who just wants you to get it together.

But regardless whether we are leaders or not, every Christian's call is to grow to be a better leader. My challenge is to grow to one of greater capacity. A ministry that is growing without the person is dangerous. Ministry becomes monsters when people are not embracing the needed change.

Lately, I have the rare experience of being in a phase where I don't know what to do anymore. Problems mount up, challenges escalate. Questions of if the vision is even possible mounts up. I have questioned if growing is worth it. But everytime my old self brings up that question, the new self challenges me with another; If fear and staying scared is worth the price of not growing? It is true that if we don't do what God has called us to do, we'll always be scared.

Bigger really means a bigger heart, mind and spirit to care. At the end of the day it isn't about how big is the size of our church, it's about how big is the size of our care.

Every area of every department needs to grow, the self, the people, the structure and the capacity to balance people and structure through listening to God. Without people, the structure falls. Without structure, people falls. This isn't a game. Its real connection and relationship with Him we co-labor with. If that involves a title, then let it be.

People will look at a title but God looks at our function and heart. If what is in the heart is good enough for God. It should be good enough for me. I like leading and I'm a leader in Him though I will never like being a leader.